Butterflies

There are butterflies Everywhere in San Antonio. I love it! When I am driving I see so many of them out & it makes me smile & reminds me of being completely changed from the inside out. I was a caterpillar before Christ and now... a butterfly... except in the morning before coffee when I am a bear!

Rooted

So, this weekend was our Youth Fall Retreat called Rooted. We had a great turnout. Ornan's Floor was AMAZING and Kevin Kirkland was our speaker. He always knows how to cut to the heart of the issue. During one of our conversations, I had a light bulb moment. As much work as I put into the weekend and after the 100+ hours of preparation, God had the nerve to tell me that He could have done it all without me. After I got over the shock of this comment that was so obviously from the devil, I starting thinking about all of the "things" that I do, and just how rare it is that I just am.

I was excited that the weekend was going according to plan and in my arrogance I boasted to the Lord about all "We" had accomplished. "Lord," I said, "aren't you glad that we do things with excellence around here? I just know that kids will really respond because of how well everything is going." No, I didn't get hit with a lighting bolt, but it was close. He said, "The students will respond because of Me. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, I could have done all of this without you." Ouch.

Then, He asked me why I had done all of the work with excellence; was it for Him, was it to be seen, or was it so that the students would respond the way I wanted them to? Unfortunately, my answer was a little of all three. In looking at my heart and at my intentions, I realized that I was stealing God's glory for myself. My goal in life is to make Jesus famous. If they responded because of how great I had done, was it really glorifying Him?

Jeff talked this week about taking risks and not calculating what is measurable or easy to give from our own strength. I want to do what is beyond me to do so that everyone will know that God chose to do it through me. That is how He gets the glory.

Go for the Gold

The Lord has really been teaching me a lot lately about intentionality. I know he wants me to be very intentional with everything that I do. I am coming to realize that so many things that I spend my time on have nothing to do with helping me reach my goals.

I really love the sermon series our church has been doing called Go for the Gold. It is focusing on families and how to intentionally teach your children about God & life by running for a goal and having the discipline to win. Even though we don't have kids yet, I am really learning a lot. The principals of being purposeful and intentional with your family and children can carry over into every area of your life.

Many of you know that Bobo & I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. In fact, it will be 2 years on my birthday next week. Wow... 2 years! Even though this season of our lives has been one of the hardest, we have also learned lessons that we would never have learned otherwise. Through tests and doctor's visits and all the pain that comes with infertility, God has been there. I look back on the hardest times and especially on the times when I asked Him why He left me in this barren place all alone and I realize He was holding me all along. He has loved me enough to teach me the hard lessons in life.

The lessons of faith, trust and patience are not the easiest to learn, but they have been some of the most rewarding. It takes a special parent to allow their children to hurt and struggle. You must put aside all of your own feelings and do what is best for them. I have battled through intense disappointment, feelings of abandonment and loneliness, the stress of not being in control (which I am very fond of), and every other emotion you can think of. And yet, I am still here.I am still ever more in love with my creator. I get new mercy & strength every morning. And, He comforts me with the knowledge that He is with me and will never leave me.

Bobo and I have a goal for our family even before all of the members are entrusted to us. We have decided to start working toward our goal now by allowing God to work in and through us. I am not perfect or even very good at waiting, but every day, every month, every year, I get better and better at it. I know little Josiah and his siblings will be with us one day, and when that day comes, we'll be ready. I thank God every day for allowing me this pain. It sounds strange and backwards I know, but what about travelling down this road with Jesus isn't strange and backward?

I appreciate my pastor being a "call it like I see it" kind of guy. This series hasn't always been easy for me to listen to because of the nature of the season I am in, but the best sermons are never easy.

No Sacrifice

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here's my life

One of my favorite songs is by Jason Upton called "No Sacrifice." I actually walked down the aisle to it at my wedding. When I first heard this song, the message went right over my head. Once I really listened to what it was saying, it changed my life. We go through our lives, at least I do, saying, "Okay God, I guess I can sacrifice and not do that thing you told me not to do." In knowing that God wants what is best for us and loves us so much that He sent his son... when God asks us to remove something out of our lives or "sacrifice", whether we think it is good or bad for us, is it really a sacrifice? I have not sacrificed my life for His, I have gladly and thankfully exchanged it. How could I sacrifice something broken, dead and unfulfilling for something whole, satisfying, and fully alive? This is no sacrifice.

To you I give my life

not just the parts I want to

To you I sacrifice

These dreams that I hold on to

To you I give my future

As long as it may last

To you I give my presence

To you I give my past...